[man] Jess, something has shifted with you.

[screams]

Jess?

Hi. How are ya? Girl, are you good? You're unhappy.

[slurring] Leaving me is the worse thing that anyone's ever done! Change your life. Go to London.

Seriously?

You love London. You saw Spice World nine times in the theater.

[Jess] I could do it. I could go and find my English dream. You know, estate grounds, verdant gardens. Ah! Good luck with that, love.

["London Bridge" by Fergie playing]

[indistinct shouting above] Oh my God, I'm in hell.

[Jess] You're the singing guy. I'm Felix, by the way. You've got an American accent, right? Let me guess. You're like one of those Love Actually girls?

This is the London I came here for.

[squeals]

Like out of a movie.

[Felix] Yeah, a horror movie. These people are full of pent-up rage and dark secrets. I know, but look, it's a yellow house. You're not charmed by me? I don't know if I'm getting like 50 UTIs a year, or it's like one long UTI. That's a needy question.

[in British accent] You want a scone, guv'nor? Yeah, right. So that is the most annoying genre of American humor.

[Jess chuckles]

["That's So True" by Gracie Abrams playing] I came here to find myself. A lot of stuff went down in New York. My ex-boyfriend is living with another woman right now.

[crying] Oh my God!

You want me to murder them?

[Jess] Yeah. I want you to cut their heads off and sew them back on. Is he who he says he is? This has all just been a series of red flags. You think you're so special! I get that it's hard for you, but, like, it's hard for everyone, okay? I wanted to be in bed with Hugh Grant from British Jones's Diaries.

"British Jones's Diaries"?

Yeah. There's four of them.

Yeah, it's not "British Jones."

She's British! You are cracking my heart open with that brave ability to love.

[laughing]

[chatting]

[Felix] I have a very chaotic mind. Maybe I choose chaos.

Oh my God!

[both scream]

[laughing]

[cheering] If you spruced yourself up a little, you could make it with him. Why don't you hook up with him? Go suck him off.

See if you can get him to cum.

Any day.

Ew!

So erotic!

[dreamy pop song fades]

[drum sound effect plays]